A Hole In One

Dear Dick,

I'm starting to hear from you a lot, again. I know you, too, want us to be closer, but there is more than meets the eye here. This is an inside job. I'm more than just a pretty face and sexy body. If you want me to get a taste of what's going on in your head, you have to be interested in what's in mine. You're satisfied with what's on the surface but you have to want more if you want to explore. It's kind of a violation if all you do is rub against me or poke me, even when we're dressed, or when you lightly, playfully slap me when we're not. You can't stop being into me after entering me one way only. I know in golf a hole in one is great but it's so much more relaxing and enjoyable to play more holes. Think of the hours you spend on the green. You don't just spend time swinging your golf stick. You start with some practice swings and some putting, but you don't only hit it. Maybe sometimes you just like to spend time at the driving range but you spend a lot of time just standing around talking, too. You enjoy the scenery. You spend some time in thought, also. 

Let's look at all the holes on me you can enjoy: You can look into my eyes; you can spend time whispering sweet things in my ears; you can actually listen (I know you can) to what comes out of my mouth. Those are ways you can keep me from giving you a lot of what comes out of another end. (SMILE)

So how about it? Treat me like an enjoyable day on the golf course. Start early in the day. Wear appropriate clothing. Plan to spend a lot of time. Let's talk a little. Breathe me in and enjoy the scenery...and maybe I'll let you do more of swinging that 9 iron of yours.

Love,
Me

I'm Reaching For You

Dear Dick,

I'm reaching out for you. I keep telling you, I would really like for it to be me and you again, one day, and that I'm not the kind of chick who will let you down easy. The long and the short of it - if I'm with you, I'm with you even when your down and out. Let me be your sunshine and I'll make you see stars and give you the moon. I'm not for any back-ended deals, though. I need to know you can be up front with me. You gotta be able to take me straight on most of the time, and I need you to go all in, head first. I'm aware that every now and then you're going to give me some things that are hard to swallow, but please always give me what you got. I can take whatever you shoot at me as long as you give it to me clean. 
Can we one day make this work? We belong together, Dick.

Love, 
Me

I Want To Give It Up For You

Dear Dick,

I have to give it to you. No matter how much distance between us, you never give up on me. You just keep hanging around waiting on a chance to get with me. No matter how difficult I am, now that I've turned you on, you just can't stay away. I keep you coming, again and again, and coming back for more. You play hard ball and sometimes go nuts on me, too. Sometimes you just poke at me nonstop. You wouldn't have so much  trouble getting back in if you would do right when I let you get close. You could stay in good with me and our relationship grow deeper and stronger...we'd do things together more often. That doesn't mean it won't be climactic, but we can go through those climaxes together. I know how to ride and hold on for life when stuff arises. I understand that it's hard for you not to be a prick. That's just what you are. We'll get along better if you just keep what's in your head between you and me. Like I have shown you, I can handle when you go nuts on me. You wouldn't have to spend so much time hanging around that butthole neighbor of yours, nor would constantly be in and out of so many different sticky situations. I'm here for you if you just show me you can be more of a stand-OUT kind. I'm here for YOU.

Love, 

Me

I've Had Enough of You

Dear Dick,

I've still not spent any time with you in a while but have had enough of you - so much that I had to give you a three day weekend this week. I'm exhausted from just communicating with you the last two weeks. I have talked to you so much and, as usual, you're all over the place. You don't think straight, if at all, and then rarely is it with your big head. I don't know if you know if you're coming or going. You were sticking your head into matters speaking as though your hard life is all that matters. You do know that your hard head makes for a soft behind. I don't think you want to explore that, nor anyone else to do so. There are a lot of you out there and, THANK GOD, you don't all think the same. I'm going to be patient because I know God has one of you just for me. Go cry and blow your nose somewhere else until you can quit spewing bitterness about having stood up for the wrong woman in your past and being distrustful and afraid. Maybe then you'll make me and Vag' jump for joy, again. I'm not mad at you. I'm just giving you room to grow. I need you to be big for me, Dick.

Love,
Me

Happy Wife, Happy Life: Here's to Good Health

Dear Dick,

I now better understand my need for you in my life. Studies have shown that people who are married and in love are happier and live longer. We all know the term "Happy Wife, Happy Life" and this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2190863/Semen-good-womens-health-helps-fight-depression.html gives us a clue as to why. "It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants." This explains my insomnia and mood swings. While I've been quite disappointed in you as of late, Dick, my disappointment is more with your absence from my life and my bed. And you know all that trouble I was having in school this go round: "The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests." That explains it. If I get you up, you keep me up! They haven't or can't produce a study or an article that explains our benefit to you, Dick. I mean, it's written in the #1 Bestseller of all time...THE BIBLE, and no one has that amount of time to sit down and write. It's a never-ending study proven everyday. You can't even be President of our great country without a wife. That says a little bit. You can't rule outside the home if you can't rule a home. HA! No wonder this country has been such a mess. You've almost never had any control when you held office and no wonder you're so often in messes. 

I guess this means I can't give up on you. We need each other. Now I guess I'll "Say A Little Prayer For You." Here's to one day having good sleep nightly and stable moods...one day.

Love,
Me

You Dingaling

Dear Dick,

You just crossed my mind briefly. I hope you're healthy and hanging in there. Well, not "in" there, but you know what I mean. I hope you don't find yourself "swimming wit da fishies." Vag' and I talked and wished we could relate like Shanda and Isaac on manandwife.tv or like @AKWatkins and @RoyaleWatkins on their youtube.com/royalewatkins show "After I Do." The way you act these days, all bitter and afraid of feeling anything other than a little moist heat, we'll never get to I Do. You are such a dingaling, a real dingbat.
Well, here's another quickie in the books for us. I still love you, Dick.

Love,
Me

Screw You, Dick

Dear Dick,

Like any emotionally healthy girl, every now and then I need a break from thinking about you. These last two days have been so refreshing. I can't hold your attention and you aren't into me at all lately, anyway, so why not get off you or get you off...off my mind. Sometimes I wish you would get your head stuck up your own @$$ so you can see what it feels like to lose your head and be screwed. What I hate more than you not being into me is getting totally screwed by you.
I hope you're enjoying yourself because one day you're going to be an old, wrinkled thing and not many people are going to be there for you; no one will want to touch you or want to hold you except a nurse for a check, a gray or blue haired lady, or maybe her granddaughter who will only want your Social Security check. Oh wait! We may not be getting those so you might not want to spend too much time screwing around now and get busy putting up money for blue pills.

Still love you,
Me

I Can't Get Over You

Dear Dick,

Right now I have Frankie Beverly playing in my head: I can't get over you. I Can't Get Over You in either way, right now. I can't get over you, Dick, I can't get under you...then I hear Rose Royce and I Wanna Get Next To You...and the Commodores come to mind: Just To Be Close To You...Dick. I can really feel Anita Baker right now it's Been So Long... Phyllis Hyman knew when she sang I Can't Stand This Living All Alone. I can relate to Stephanie Mills cause I need the Comfort of a Man. If you were here it would probably be like the Gap Band and you'd have me Humping day and night.
I see I missed a call from you this morning. You could have left me a video message. I can just picture it. (smiling) It's colder than The Three Degrees because I don't know When Will I See You Again.
You're just not that into me, right now, I guess.

Love,

Me

Distant Lovers

Dear Dick,

It is a sad realization for me that we are very distant. In the words of Rasheeda, "I'm here, but I'm not here...I got to (gotdangit) do e'rything." (sigh) I could really use your help these days, Dick. I feel so far away from you right now that I'm not even yearning. That's a lie - but really it is taking more to think of you and be turned on by just the thought. I know this is just a phase that we go through from time to time. Communication is a major key to a lasting relationship, so I just want you to know how I feel. I know that you don't always care to hear what I'm thinking or feeling; you'd rather bury your head somewhere deep and dark, but it's crucial so that you don't wonder why I turn away from you when you are standing in my face, rather than opening up and receiving you. You want me to care about your complaints and concerns. WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? I know how to get you up, easily. I need you, while you're down, to think about what you want from me to keep you up, and give me that. I want my ego stroked and my love buttons pushed, too, without having to solicit myself. DICK!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

Love,
Me

Sins Of My Sisters

Dear Dick,

I trust that even if you haven't opened your one eye and read the news lately you've gotten wind of the newest, fastest divorcing celebrity couple (maybe you caught a sharp pain like Morris Chestnut's character in Breakin All The Rules when Gabrielle Union's character chopped off her hair). That divorce is an example of what happens when you guys get blinded by booty, I mean beauty, even when it's manufactured in Europe and assembled in the United States, the idea of seeking for more is foreign. You get used to finance it and then get mad at us because you got played. I would suggest you get a grip on yourself. You claim you hold onto your feelings because of how some of the women you've run into are, but you sound as bitter as the taste you leave in my mouth. I'm saying like a No Limit Soldier, It Ain't My Fault! Why hold THAT against me instead of your loving self, or withhold the feelings you know you want to have, from me? I know we suffer the sins of our fathers, but I'm tired of paying for the sins of my sisters, too. A friend of mine posted on fb something to the effect of 'we're not them' - the them that didn't love you right, that used you, lied to you, stressed you, cheated on you, abandoned you - so let's just deal with us. I miss you hanging around me. Let's put all that behind and let me help you grow so I can stroke you with the love I have inside me. Can we do that?

Love,
Me

Sick Over You

Dear Dick,

Last night I had a long talk with my girl Vag' about you. I was preparing her for the fact that we have to do without you until only God knows when. She has feelings of her own but she needs to understand that your inconsistencies and your inability to please us the way we deserve will keep us apart from you because you have such a hard time committing. I told her about how bitter you get over one woman and just go hard, with no emotion at all for the rest of us. It's not an easy thing for us to swallow. We're just sick over you. She loves and misses you, too. She broke out into a hot sweat and kept having spasms. She was just throbbing in pain. Her identical twin upstairs neighbors (the girls whose names both start with "T") feel the void in her life, also. We keep you up and you let us down. We give and you take. Well, you give, too, but then you pull out like it's nothing. You go all in and then leave us feeling empty. That, does not, a healthy relationship, make. While that neighbor, the asshole, could just give a shit.
I do hope you'll learn to put in only where you can get more than a few thrills. I'll keep writing you and maybe I'll touch you somewhere deep within and you'll change. I won't hold my breath. I only do that when I kiss you. Until next time...

Love,
Me

You Got The Big Head

Dear Dick,

I hope you noticed I needed a break from talking to you. What is going on with you lately? You haven't been yourself and you know us women pay enough attention that we know when something is going on with you. You're doing too much thinking for yourself. You need to get out of your own head and think with another head for change. You ought to have a headache with all your non-sense. When are you going to get tired of poking your way around places with no real direction? No wonder you keep running into walls, and then you just pull out of what you've gotten yourself into without having learned a thing, aimlessly wandering, falling into one hole after another. I wouldn't say continue to beat yourself up but you could give yourself a break. You think if you've spent a lot of time in one place and came out with nothing that you don't owe anyone else anything. You're only depriving yourself. Having to suffer no real consequences from that type of thinking has given you the big head.
Look, I'm not going to talk to you until you're blue. You can continue to live in denial until you're old, wrinkled and don't work anymore. I'll still love you but I'll move on to another. I'd rather you get your head on straight and let's work together as a team. Take some time off, use a clearer head, and think about it.

Love,
Me

Are You Using Your Brains?

Dear Dick,

I may have said some things in my letters that left you wondering. I try to always say what's on my mind unless it's going to bring you down. Sometimes, I tell lies just to keep you up. When you ask "Who's is this?" We know it's mine and if it happens to be you I'm sharing it with at that moment, of course I'm going to say "it's yours, baby!" When you ask me do you make me moist, I'll say yes, but it could be because of any one of the passing thoughts I just had. You know, I hate when you make reference to the old Jackson 5 song, "Can You Feel It." That's a really old song and played out. The music might sound good to some, but if I want nostalgia, I'll go back to my old "Dick."
One thing I don't lie about: I say I love you at the end of each letter. That's no lie. If I keep saying it I need to know if you'll hold it against me? I want you to be firm with me. Heck, you can even be hard on me. I can take it. I like tough love.
I hope this gave you something to think about. Until next time I hope you only have me on your brains.

Love,
Me

In & Out Just Won't Do

Dear Dick,

Oh my gosh, I see a pattern developing here. We've got to stop meeting like this. I'm getting to you later and later each night. I promise you mean more to me than that. Lately I've been treating you like a booty call - dropping in for a quickie, and then I'm out. Night after night after night...in and out, in and out, in and out, faster and faster...oh my gosh one of us is going to explode! Maybe both of us as the same time!!! Wouldn't that be something? I need to exhale. You really get me breathing heavily just thinking about you. Have you learned any new tricks? I'd like you to show me if you have. I'll be on the edge of my seat, and I'll close my eyes and throw my head back so you can surprise me with them. (giggle)

Since it is late, again, and I know you have long, long days I want you to get your rest so you'll have plenty of energy when you press your head against my lips.

Think of me, will you? Of course, you will probably every few minutes.

Love, 

Me

Where's Your Head At?

Dear Dick,

What are you up to today? Hopefully not too much. You know, you're predictable a lot of times but you never stop surprising me. I can talk to you everyday and never really know where your head is. I'm anxious to learn your language and am thankful that you are a good communicator lately. I like when you speak in tongues, too.

Every day is another one closer to me seeing you again. I hope you're taking your vitamins and getting some rest. Eat plenty of fruit so that you only secrete sweet juices. When I kiss you I don't want to taste any bitterness. I wonder if you'll be up for any games...like hide and seek? It might be kind of fun having you sneak up on me from behind. I hope I don't yell too loud. (giggle)

It's late again. I was trying to do this earlier but I couldn't get it up. I really wasn't trying to have any late nights until I see you again, so I'm going to end this here. If things get hard for you, go ahead and take matters into your own hands. 

Missing you still.

Love, 

Me

Masseur Needed

Dear Dick,

I was late writing to you yesterday. Know that if I ever neglect you I'll do back bends and give you extra kisses - long, open-mouth, wet ones - trying to make it up to you. I'm giving it to you twice today to make up for missing yesterday. You need to know that about women: when we love you, there's almost nothing we won't do to keep you happy, but you have to know and do your part. We can do without you but we'd rather not. And with friends like Vagina, it's not hard to find another hard one like you. They're everywhere just waiting for you to get into the wrong stuff or be seen out with another woman, or with her hands on you. Of course we sometimes forgive you and take you back, but some of us never look at you the same. It's not easy for us to do you the way we used to do you after that. It takes a lot for us to even let you touch us again. We may not kiss you the way we did before, if at all. We probably don't even hold you the way we used to. You almost have to start over like you've never had us before and that is too much for most of you to handle.
I'm going to keep this short and sweet, but just note that short and sweet is not usually a good thing. I want to keep it light and save something for next time. I'm going to be seeing you soon and I hope you are ready to give me a deep tissue massage with long, firm strokes. You can throw in some of that pulsating action you do, too. Just thinking about it is going to give me sweet dreams. I'm going to take you on a ride you will never forget, or vice versa. Either way we are going to enjoy one another. Until we talk again, stay out of the rain or wear your galoshes if you must go and play in it.

Love,
Me

I'm Late

Dear Dick,

I bet you thought I forgot about you today. This letter is coming late, as that can sometimes happen, but it was bound to come. I couldn't forget about you. I'm sure I was probably talking to someone about you or looking at pictures of you and thinking about you. You're everywhere! Even though we've been out of touch, I'm not giving up on you. When I see you again I'm going to hold on for dear life, or at least until you make me release. (laugh)

I was just thinking how unfair it is that you can keep your shape so much easier than Vagina, no matter how much you throw yourself around or how careless you are. That's another one of those unfair things about being a woman. You don't have to have any -plasty or anything like Vagina might. People even grade you on a curve but Vagina fails to get the same treatment if her grade starts lagging or if she starts losing her shape. I heard someone say that they never gave you more than two and a half months off in life. Don't you ever get tired? I don't know how you do it, but as long as when you do it for me you just keep on doing it only for me, we'll be alright. 

 Since I waited so late to write you today, it's going to be hard for me to keep you up. I'll talk to you again in a bit.

Love, 

Me

MANDINGO

Dear Dick,

What's up? You popped up on my computer screen again last night. There was a picture of you hanging tough in Africa. I just stared and stared, and stared at you hard, for a long, long, long, long time. It was as if you knew I was looking, but being coy. I now have a better picture on how that saying came about, "Once you go Black..." I understand how some of my sisters have ignored the culture clash and married brothers from the Mother Land knowing that differences would create difficulty in the union, but Dick you are Mighty! ...more mighty than Aphrodite! I see why they put forth the effort even though it was a long shot! (Ha!) I see and get that understanding for myself. If I didn't know from their experiences I might even step up to the plate and give it a bat. (I crack me up.) I thought a small child was hanging from your waist by one arm. I'm kidding, you know I love playing with you.
I can't believe I've gone so long without you. I know you miss me, too. Don't choke yourself to death playing without me, okay? Sometimes Vagina gets played with so much she just becomes numb to it. I don't know if that happens to you unless maybe someone takes you on a wild ride. What makes you go numb? Never mind, I don't want to know.
It's time for me to cook dinner and even though I have a real hankering for beans and wieners, just like recently, I'm not going to have any meat today.
You know I'll be thinking about you. Can't wait to spend some time with you again.

Love,
Me

Dear Dick,

Hey, boo, what you been into? Hopefully nothing or at least not too much. I know it's hard to stay out of things but it's really easy for you to end up in the wrong hands or worse. Some of you get into anything you can. It's not good to jump into every opportunity that opens up to you. It's definitely not good to force yourself into any, either. You know good things come to those who wait, and like that Levert song says, I Been Waiting! You can be such a sucker. Most of you think alike, but I'm glad you don't all act the same. You be careful! There are girls named Vagina everywhere that will invite into their spaces. Check 'em out good. See what else they're about. Make sure they aren't the kind that will open themselves up to every opportunity. You talk about how hard you are but that's when you're most stupid and unable think right. Your blood isn't flowing correctly at that time. God forbid you've been drinking, then everything looks good. That's really when you'll get into just about anything if you haven't grown up.
Speaking of drinking, it's good I don't do much of that anymore. That's when I couldn't wait to get my hands on you! That liquid courage is something else! God has truly kept me when I've hung around some of you carelessly in that state mind.
How are your nutty friends? They retain a lot of fluids, don't they? You know what's funny about them? (chuckle) They don't mind being juggled and sharing a woman with you, even though some of you like to have more than one woman at a time. (shaking my head) Are your nutty friends hairy? What about you? Nothing wrong with it as long as it's tamed. That doesn't just go for Vagina, you need to keep things in order, too. Especially if you want to be able to take a good licking.
Well, I'm not going to keep you. I know you can have a short attention span. When we get together, though, I'm going to need your undivided attention, okay?
Gosh I love you!

Signed,
Me

Friends With Benefits

Friday, August 3, 2012

Hey Dick,

I still haven't seen you. I haven't even heard from you much today. I spend waaay too much time with your friend, Vagina. Some women can play with her all the time but I get bored. I keep myself busy doing other things. I really miss you. You're forcing me to keep in touch with some of Vag's other friends. She's got some pretty fruity and sensitive friends upstairs from her. They're big girls, a couple of softies. They are identical twins and both their names begin with "T". They like touchy, feely types of guys and love to be tongue kissed. If one gets too much attention the other one gets so jealous! They don't even mind if the same guy plays with both of them at the same time. (shrugging shoulders) Actually, they prefer that. Vag' cries when they get the right attention, it brings her so much joy. Sometimes they play hard. Usually that means they're excited about something. I heard you sometimes like to come between them. Dick, you have a way of doing that - coming between stuff. Maybe you just need to be held sometimes. (laughing) When I see you again I'm going to give you a tight squeeze, or as many tight squeezes as you can handle. That will really soften you up. Don't worry, though, I won't let you stay soft. I'll help you man right back up.
I know you think about me as much as I do you, but I don't know when we are going to actually get together. There are lots of Dicks out there but not just any Dick will do for me! It's got to be the right fit and we have to really feel one another. One day the right one of you will be mine and I'm going to make you slap happy. You'll be jumping for joy!
I need to stop thinking about you so I'm going to end this letter here.
Until we meet again...

Love,
Me

How's It Hanging?

Dear Dick,

Hey, how's it hanging? Nothing going on here, just a lot of wet weather, yet it's a drought. Ironic, huh? Did you get into anything last night? Stick your neck out for anyone in particular, or did you just hang around your nutty friends? If you didn't get into anything I bet your friends were salty. I hear you have a real ass for a neighbor. So does Vagina. Also, she's got this really sensitive friend, Clittoria. Man, it doesn't take much to rub her the wrong way. She can only take so much friction but actually likes to have her button pushed. Vagina and her friends are so hard to read sometimes. One minute she can be eager to see you, thinking about you with anticipation, and then you say the wrong thing and she just gets real dry on you; doesn't want you to touch her or anything. That's just how girls are.
Hey, listen. Can you sit down a minute? I heard you're weak and always throwing up. If I'm ever around I'll make sure it doesn't get all over everything. It's okay if a little gets on me but I want you to get tested first to make sure you're okay. You could have something you don't know about.
Well, as always, I'll be thinking about you. Even when I try not to you pop up in my mind or on my computer screen. Also, since you like wet weather, remember to always keep a hat or an umbrella handy.

I love you,
Me

I MISS YOU

Dear Dick,

I love you, but you are really overrated. I'm glad your attached to so many of my friends, some of them great people. I'm glad I can accept you for being just what you are in other cases. I hope to see you again soon, and one day even become lovers again, but I'm in no rush.

I hate that you are so misused & put on a pedastal by so many. You're a great asset but you mean nothing when attached to those who don't know their real worth. The same goes for your best friend, Vagina. I know she's a trip and without her where would you be but stuck up some asshole or in the wrong hands. (chuckle) You two fit so beautifully. That's just one thing I love about you. Maybe next time I see you I'll give you a big ol' kiss! I hope you know how to act.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you...a lot! Take care, stay clean, & wear a hat if you go out in the rain.

Love,

Me