Nice Seeing You For A Change

Dear Dick,

How you hangin’? I see you being all large and in charge, trying to get into something new. Your game is still long and strong, but I like seeing you in a different way now. I don’t have to have a handle on you as much as I used to in the past. You’ve always roamed free, but you always come back to me. Now I can boldly look you in the eye and have a grown up conversation with you. I mean, I know you’ll always try to spit at me because that’s who you are, but we can relate better because I’m better. No matter how many ins and outs, or ups and downs, it remains deep between us. I just have to wait for the right YOU to come around because YOU ARE COMING! 
I LOOK FORWARD to the day I get my hands on you again. But for now, I’m going to remain in controlled contact. Don’t worry. I’ll never lose my desire for you. I love you. I really, really miss you.  I long for you with my entire being, but you’re not what’s most important in my life right now. I know you’ll always be there for me when I need you. Until then...

Sincerely,

Your Loving, Well-Intended, and Often Inappropriate Angel

I can't believe it's over...for now.

I'm pretty devastated. I have secretly been in this relationship...well, an affair based on, um, finances you could say. I've been seeing someone for many years and now it's over...as I know it. It's all because of this stupid economy. Money causes so many problems in relationships. We all know that. Anyway, I'd been seeing this guy for several years. I never got to go to his place. He'd always come to me, so... Anyway, every time I'd hear him pulling up to my apt building I would run to  greet him at my door, sometimes from the balcony, with great anticipation. We saw each other almost everyday for weeks, months on end. We both relocated from foreign lands - he's from Mexico and I'm from Ohio - so holidays were when we needed and saw each other the most...and then we'd take a break. We never lost touch, though. Sometimes we spent more time in each others' company than others. But a couple of years ago it kind of cooled off. I had lost my job. We still saw one another on occasion and he was always so sweet and giving, but sometimes he'd act like he didn't have anything for me anymore. Well, today I saw him. I approached him and told him that I didn't like not seeing him the way I used to and he blamed me. And then he informed me he's back with his wife and they just found out she's expecting. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? AND THEY PLANNED IT! What could I say?
I wanted to explain to him that it's not my fault that the economy took the turn it did and kept me from shopping online as much as I used to do. What I wouldn't give to go on Dooney & Bourkes clearance, or QVC and HSN online and just GO CRAZY...but I can't afford to do that anymore. So he has no reason to come see me anymore. The UPS man. Joaquin, I miss you. I hope before I leave this apartment you and I can rekindle what we once had.

Jesus is Love - NOT YOU

Dear Dick,

I wanna know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I wanna feel what love is.
I need you to show me.

Since we are children of God I want today's letter to focus on just that. Jesus is love, but I want you to show me. I want you to show me Jesus' type of love - the same type of love Christ has for the church - by giving your life for me, and I'll show you the true meaning of submission. I'll allow you to lead me, show me undying compassion, quench my thirst and I'll serve you, man. You pour it out and I'll drink it up. But you must show me perfect love. That doesn't mean I expect you to be perfect, but I expect you to seek God in the areas in which you are least perfect. God's love perfects us. God commands us to love each other as we love ourselves. Based on your actions, well...keep growing.
I love you and I need you or God wouldn't have made me for you. I look forward to having you as a Bible Study partner. Morning Word is the only thing better than Morning Wood. The best part of waking up is when Jesus fills your cup. Be blessed.

Love,
Me

I'm Late

Dear Dick,

I bet you thought I forgot about you today. This letter is coming late, as that can sometimes happen, but it was bound to come. I couldn't forget about you. I'm sure I was probably talking to someone about you or looking at pictures of you and thinking about you. You're everywhere! Even though we've been out of touch, I'm not giving up on you. When I see you again I'm going to hold on for dear life, or at least until you make me release. (laugh)

I was just thinking how unfair it is that you can keep your shape so much easier than Vagina, no matter how much you throw yourself around or how careless you are. That's another one of those unfair things about being a woman. You don't have to have any -plasty or anything like Vagina might. People even grade you on a curve but Vagina fails to get the same treatment if her grade starts lagging or if she starts losing her shape. I heard someone say that they never gave you more than two and a half months off in life. Don't you ever get tired? I don't know how you do it, but as long as when you do it for me you just keep on doing it only for me, we'll be alright. 

 Since I waited so late to write you today, it's going to be hard for me to keep you up. I'll talk to you again in a bit.

Love, 

Me

Dear Dick,

Hey, boo, what you been into? Hopefully nothing or at least not too much. I know it's hard to stay out of things but it's really easy for you to end up in the wrong hands or worse. Some of you get into anything you can. It's not good to jump into every opportunity that opens up to you. It's definitely not good to force yourself into any, either. You know good things come to those who wait, and like that Levert song says, I Been Waiting! You can be such a sucker. Most of you think alike, but I'm glad you don't all act the same. You be careful! There are girls named Vagina everywhere that will invite into their spaces. Check 'em out good. See what else they're about. Make sure they aren't the kind that will open themselves up to every opportunity. You talk about how hard you are but that's when you're most stupid and unable think right. Your blood isn't flowing correctly at that time. God forbid you've been drinking, then everything looks good. That's really when you'll get into just about anything if you haven't grown up.
Speaking of drinking, it's good I don't do much of that anymore. That's when I couldn't wait to get my hands on you! That liquid courage is something else! God has truly kept me when I've hung around some of you carelessly in that state mind.
How are your nutty friends? They retain a lot of fluids, don't they? You know what's funny about them? (chuckle) They don't mind being juggled and sharing a woman with you, even though some of you like to have more than one woman at a time. (shaking my head) Are your nutty friends hairy? What about you? Nothing wrong with it as long as it's tamed. That doesn't just go for Vagina, you need to keep things in order, too. Especially if you want to be able to take a good licking.
Well, I'm not going to keep you. I know you can have a short attention span. When we get together, though, I'm going to need your undivided attention, okay?
Gosh I love you!

Signed,
Me

I MISS YOU

Dear Dick,

I love you, but you are really overrated. I'm glad your attached to so many of my friends, some of them great people. I'm glad I can accept you for being just what you are in other cases. I hope to see you again soon, and one day even become lovers again, but I'm in no rush.

I hate that you are so misused & put on a pedastal by so many. You're a great asset but you mean nothing when attached to those who don't know their real worth. The same goes for your best friend, Vagina. I know she's a trip and without her where would you be but stuck up some asshole or in the wrong hands. (chuckle) You two fit so beautifully. That's just one thing I love about you. Maybe next time I see you I'll give you a big ol' kiss! I hope you know how to act.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you...a lot! Take care, stay clean, & wear a hat if you go out in the rain.

Love,

Me