Nice Seeing You For A Change

Dear Dick,

How you hangin’? I see you being all large and in charge, trying to get into something new. Your game is still long and strong, but I like seeing you in a different way now. I don’t have to have a handle on you as much as I used to in the past. You’ve always roamed free, but you always come back to me. Now I can boldly look you in the eye and have a grown up conversation with you. I mean, I know you’ll always try to spit at me because that’s who you are, but we can relate better because I’m better. No matter how many ins and outs, or ups and downs, it remains deep between us. I just have to wait for the right YOU to come around because YOU ARE COMING! 
I LOOK FORWARD to the day I get my hands on you again. But for now, I’m going to remain in controlled contact. Don’t worry. I’ll never lose my desire for you. I love you. I really, really miss you.  I long for you with my entire being, but you’re not what’s most important in my life right now. I know you’ll always be there for me when I need you. Until then...

Sincerely,

Your Loving, Well-Intended, and Often Inappropriate Angel

I Can't Get Over You

Dear Dick,

Right now I have Frankie Beverly playing in my head: I can't get over you. I Can't Get Over You in either way, right now. I can't get over you, Dick, I can't get under you...then I hear Rose Royce and I Wanna Get Next To You...and the Commodores come to mind: Just To Be Close To You...Dick. I can really feel Anita Baker right now it's Been So Long... Phyllis Hyman knew when she sang I Can't Stand This Living All Alone. I can relate to Stephanie Mills cause I need the Comfort of a Man. If you were here it would probably be like the Gap Band and you'd have me Humping day and night.
I see I missed a call from you this morning. You could have left me a video message. I can just picture it. (smiling) It's colder than The Three Degrees because I don't know When Will I See You Again.
You're just not that into me, right now, I guess.

Love,

Me

I'm Late

Dear Dick,

I bet you thought I forgot about you today. This letter is coming late, as that can sometimes happen, but it was bound to come. I couldn't forget about you. I'm sure I was probably talking to someone about you or looking at pictures of you and thinking about you. You're everywhere! Even though we've been out of touch, I'm not giving up on you. When I see you again I'm going to hold on for dear life, or at least until you make me release. (laugh)

I was just thinking how unfair it is that you can keep your shape so much easier than Vagina, no matter how much you throw yourself around or how careless you are. That's another one of those unfair things about being a woman. You don't have to have any -plasty or anything like Vagina might. People even grade you on a curve but Vagina fails to get the same treatment if her grade starts lagging or if she starts losing her shape. I heard someone say that they never gave you more than two and a half months off in life. Don't you ever get tired? I don't know how you do it, but as long as when you do it for me you just keep on doing it only for me, we'll be alright. 

 Since I waited so late to write you today, it's going to be hard for me to keep you up. I'll talk to you again in a bit.

Love, 

Me

MANDINGO

Dear Dick,

What's up? You popped up on my computer screen again last night. There was a picture of you hanging tough in Africa. I just stared and stared, and stared at you hard, for a long, long, long, long time. It was as if you knew I was looking, but being coy. I now have a better picture on how that saying came about, "Once you go Black..." I understand how some of my sisters have ignored the culture clash and married brothers from the Mother Land knowing that differences would create difficulty in the union, but Dick you are Mighty! ...more mighty than Aphrodite! I see why they put forth the effort even though it was a long shot! (Ha!) I see and get that understanding for myself. If I didn't know from their experiences I might even step up to the plate and give it a bat. (I crack me up.) I thought a small child was hanging from your waist by one arm. I'm kidding, you know I love playing with you.
I can't believe I've gone so long without you. I know you miss me, too. Don't choke yourself to death playing without me, okay? Sometimes Vagina gets played with so much she just becomes numb to it. I don't know if that happens to you unless maybe someone takes you on a wild ride. What makes you go numb? Never mind, I don't want to know.
It's time for me to cook dinner and even though I have a real hankering for beans and wieners, just like recently, I'm not going to have any meat today.
You know I'll be thinking about you. Can't wait to spend some time with you again.

Love,
Me

Dear Dick,

Hey, boo, what you been into? Hopefully nothing or at least not too much. I know it's hard to stay out of things but it's really easy for you to end up in the wrong hands or worse. Some of you get into anything you can. It's not good to jump into every opportunity that opens up to you. It's definitely not good to force yourself into any, either. You know good things come to those who wait, and like that Levert song says, I Been Waiting! You can be such a sucker. Most of you think alike, but I'm glad you don't all act the same. You be careful! There are girls named Vagina everywhere that will invite into their spaces. Check 'em out good. See what else they're about. Make sure they aren't the kind that will open themselves up to every opportunity. You talk about how hard you are but that's when you're most stupid and unable think right. Your blood isn't flowing correctly at that time. God forbid you've been drinking, then everything looks good. That's really when you'll get into just about anything if you haven't grown up.
Speaking of drinking, it's good I don't do much of that anymore. That's when I couldn't wait to get my hands on you! That liquid courage is something else! God has truly kept me when I've hung around some of you carelessly in that state mind.
How are your nutty friends? They retain a lot of fluids, don't they? You know what's funny about them? (chuckle) They don't mind being juggled and sharing a woman with you, even though some of you like to have more than one woman at a time. (shaking my head) Are your nutty friends hairy? What about you? Nothing wrong with it as long as it's tamed. That doesn't just go for Vagina, you need to keep things in order, too. Especially if you want to be able to take a good licking.
Well, I'm not going to keep you. I know you can have a short attention span. When we get together, though, I'm going to need your undivided attention, okay?
Gosh I love you!

Signed,
Me

I MISS YOU

Dear Dick,

I love you, but you are really overrated. I'm glad your attached to so many of my friends, some of them great people. I'm glad I can accept you for being just what you are in other cases. I hope to see you again soon, and one day even become lovers again, but I'm in no rush.

I hate that you are so misused & put on a pedastal by so many. You're a great asset but you mean nothing when attached to those who don't know their real worth. The same goes for your best friend, Vagina. I know she's a trip and without her where would you be but stuck up some asshole or in the wrong hands. (chuckle) You two fit so beautifully. That's just one thing I love about you. Maybe next time I see you I'll give you a big ol' kiss! I hope you know how to act.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you...a lot! Take care, stay clean, & wear a hat if you go out in the rain.

Love,

Me