How's It Hanging?

Dear Dick,

Hey, how's it hanging? Nothing going on here, just a lot of wet weather, yet it's a drought. Ironic, huh? Did you get into anything last night? Stick your neck out for anyone in particular, or did you just hang around your nutty friends? If you didn't get into anything I bet your friends were salty. I hear you have a real ass for a neighbor. So does Vagina. Also, she's got this really sensitive friend, Clittoria. Man, it doesn't take much to rub her the wrong way. She can only take so much friction but actually likes to have her button pushed. Vagina and her friends are so hard to read sometimes. One minute she can be eager to see you, thinking about you with anticipation, and then you say the wrong thing and she just gets real dry on you; doesn't want you to touch her or anything. That's just how girls are.
Hey, listen. Can you sit down a minute? I heard you're weak and always throwing up. If I'm ever around I'll make sure it doesn't get all over everything. It's okay if a little gets on me but I want you to get tested first to make sure you're okay. You could have something you don't know about.
Well, as always, I'll be thinking about you. Even when I try not to you pop up in my mind or on my computer screen. Also, since you like wet weather, remember to always keep a hat or an umbrella handy.

I love you,
Me