A Hole In One

Dear Dick,

I'm starting to hear from you a lot, again. I know you, too, want us to be closer, but there is more than meets the eye here. This is an inside job. I'm more than just a pretty face and sexy body. If you want me to get a taste of what's going on in your head, you have to be interested in what's in mine. You're satisfied with what's on the surface but you have to want more if you want to explore. It's kind of a violation if all you do is rub against me or poke me, even when we're dressed, or when you lightly, playfully slap me when we're not. You can't stop being into me after entering me one way only. I know in golf a hole in one is great but it's so much more relaxing and enjoyable to play more holes. Think of the hours you spend on the green. You don't just spend time swinging your golf stick. You start with some practice swings and some putting, but you don't only hit it. Maybe sometimes you just like to spend time at the driving range but you spend a lot of time just standing around talking, too. You enjoy the scenery. You spend some time in thought, also. 

Let's look at all the holes on me you can enjoy: You can look into my eyes; you can spend time whispering sweet things in my ears; you can actually listen (I know you can) to what comes out of my mouth. Those are ways you can keep me from giving you a lot of what comes out of another end. (SMILE)

So how about it? Treat me like an enjoyable day on the golf course. Start early in the day. Wear appropriate clothing. Plan to spend a lot of time. Let's talk a little. Breathe me in and enjoy the scenery...and maybe I'll let you do more of swinging that 9 iron of yours.

Love,
Me

I'm Reaching For You

Dear Dick,

I'm reaching out for you. I keep telling you, I would really like for it to be me and you again, one day, and that I'm not the kind of chick who will let you down easy. The long and the short of it - if I'm with you, I'm with you even when your down and out. Let me be your sunshine and I'll make you see stars and give you the moon. I'm not for any back-ended deals, though. I need to know you can be up front with me. You gotta be able to take me straight on most of the time, and I need you to go all in, head first. I'm aware that every now and then you're going to give me some things that are hard to swallow, but please always give me what you got. I can take whatever you shoot at me as long as you give it to me clean. 
Can we one day make this work? We belong together, Dick.

Love, 
Me

I Want To Give It Up For You

Dear Dick,

I have to give it to you. No matter how much distance between us, you never give up on me. You just keep hanging around waiting on a chance to get with me. No matter how difficult I am, now that I've turned you on, you just can't stay away. I keep you coming, again and again, and coming back for more. You play hard ball and sometimes go nuts on me, too. Sometimes you just poke at me nonstop. You wouldn't have so much  trouble getting back in if you would do right when I let you get close. You could stay in good with me and our relationship grow deeper and stronger...we'd do things together more often. That doesn't mean it won't be climactic, but we can go through those climaxes together. I know how to ride and hold on for life when stuff arises. I understand that it's hard for you not to be a prick. That's just what you are. We'll get along better if you just keep what's in your head between you and me. Like I have shown you, I can handle when you go nuts on me. You wouldn't have to spend so much time hanging around that butthole neighbor of yours, nor would constantly be in and out of so many different sticky situations. I'm here for you if you just show me you can be more of a stand-OUT kind. I'm here for YOU.

Love, 

Me

I've Had Enough of You

Dear Dick,

I've still not spent any time with you in a while but have had enough of you - so much that I had to give you a three day weekend this week. I'm exhausted from just communicating with you the last two weeks. I have talked to you so much and, as usual, you're all over the place. You don't think straight, if at all, and then rarely is it with your big head. I don't know if you know if you're coming or going. You were sticking your head into matters speaking as though your hard life is all that matters. You do know that your hard head makes for a soft behind. I don't think you want to explore that, nor anyone else to do so. There are a lot of you out there and, THANK GOD, you don't all think the same. I'm going to be patient because I know God has one of you just for me. Go cry and blow your nose somewhere else until you can quit spewing bitterness about having stood up for the wrong woman in your past and being distrustful and afraid. Maybe then you'll make me and Vag' jump for joy, again. I'm not mad at you. I'm just giving you room to grow. I need you to be big for me, Dick.

Love,
Me

Happy Wife, Happy Life: Here's to Good Health

Dear Dick,

I now better understand my need for you in my life. Studies have shown that people who are married and in love are happier and live longer. We all know the term "Happy Wife, Happy Life" and this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2190863/Semen-good-womens-health-helps-fight-depression.html gives us a clue as to why. "It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and also contain at least three anti-depressants." This explains my insomnia and mood swings. While I've been quite disappointed in you as of late, Dick, my disappointment is more with your absence from my life and my bed. And you know all that trouble I was having in school this go round: "The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests." That explains it. If I get you up, you keep me up! They haven't or can't produce a study or an article that explains our benefit to you, Dick. I mean, it's written in the #1 Bestseller of all time...THE BIBLE, and no one has that amount of time to sit down and write. It's a never-ending study proven everyday. You can't even be President of our great country without a wife. That says a little bit. You can't rule outside the home if you can't rule a home. HA! No wonder this country has been such a mess. You've almost never had any control when you held office and no wonder you're so often in messes. 

I guess this means I can't give up on you. We need each other. Now I guess I'll "Say A Little Prayer For You." Here's to one day having good sleep nightly and stable moods...one day.

Love,
Me

You Dingaling

Dear Dick,

You just crossed my mind briefly. I hope you're healthy and hanging in there. Well, not "in" there, but you know what I mean. I hope you don't find yourself "swimming wit da fishies." Vag' and I talked and wished we could relate like Shanda and Isaac on manandwife.tv or like @AKWatkins and @RoyaleWatkins on their youtube.com/royalewatkins show "After I Do." The way you act these days, all bitter and afraid of feeling anything other than a little moist heat, we'll never get to I Do. You are such a dingaling, a real dingbat.
Well, here's another quickie in the books for us. I still love you, Dick.

Love,
Me

Screw You, Dick

Dear Dick,

Like any emotionally healthy girl, every now and then I need a break from thinking about you. These last two days have been so refreshing. I can't hold your attention and you aren't into me at all lately, anyway, so why not get off you or get you off...off my mind. Sometimes I wish you would get your head stuck up your own @$$ so you can see what it feels like to lose your head and be screwed. What I hate more than you not being into me is getting totally screwed by you.
I hope you're enjoying yourself because one day you're going to be an old, wrinkled thing and not many people are going to be there for you; no one will want to touch you or want to hold you except a nurse for a check, a gray or blue haired lady, or maybe her granddaughter who will only want your Social Security check. Oh wait! We may not be getting those so you might not want to spend too much time screwing around now and get busy putting up money for blue pills.

Still love you,
Me